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Thursday, 1 August 2013

The Healing Has Begun

What a week! This has been one of those weeks where things are constantly triggering memories and feelings from the past. It's so hard to stay grounded during these times. So hard to remember when I am, never mind where I am...... To remember that I am here, in Wales, in 2013, and not in Cheshire in the 80's...... And yet, if I don't find a way to ground myself, to remind myself of when and where I am, then all my reactions seem out of sync to all those around me. And they are - they make no sense to those around - because those around are looking at them through the eyes of someone in 2013, whereas I'm back in the 80's, where it's unsafe, and where those reactions are actually perfectly logical and might actually help to keep me safe...... And it is this division in our understanding of the event that leaves us both so bewildered - me because you don't understand what seems so logical and obvious, and you just seems so damn irrational!! And this lack of understanding serves only to further increase my fear and 'confirm' that I am, indeed, unsafe.  So I retreat, wounded, to the safety of my own space, wishing I 'made sense' enough to be with people.  I am grateful more than ever at these times for my faith - because it is at least one person I have to go to who 'gets' me, who I don't have to hide from, and who can cope with my ungroundedness.  It is there that I find the release from my pain that I need to get me through.  I can't imagine how awful it would be to not have that either.  Thankfully, I don't have to, and when I (eventually!) remember to turn to Him, I get reminded how far on in the journey I really am.....and that healing has begun.

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